Martha Stewart; Shania Twain and a recipe for poutine

Well, Martha, you walked ALL over Shania, who stood there, looking so petite beside you, trying to get a word in edgewise, trying to tell us that you were making poutine all wrong.

You just kind of insisted it be your way, you know, oven baked potatoes with herbs that you grew in your garden this morning. You DID ask Shania, who started to say deep-fried, but you cut her off and said it was the Chief General Head Army Cook's decision.

Uh oh. Poutine isn't supposed to be healthy.

Then came the gravy, where you delicately began slicing the stems off mushrooms and started mentioning wierd things like porcini, crimini, bikini....

Mushrooms?

Meanwhile, Shania's just chopping 'em up, rough-like, and including the stems. She's starting to just shrug...and says her recipe is pretty complicated (meanwhile, backstage, you have some chef who is about to put a whole turkey and roll it up in a pie and chopping up mushrooms is complicated?) - and I'm beginning to understand - Shania uses mushrooms because she's vegetarian, and they'll add the flavour and weight to the gravy that the rest of us will either buy in a tin or get from a chicken. Or cow.

Meanwhile, you're there with a roux, more herbs and the Lady of Shallotts and some red wine, and this rather wonderful mushroom sauce that should grace prime beef. But, this is poutine, (not Poo-teen but pu-tzin)and you're telling a Canadian how to make it correctly. You even told us that poutine means "big mess". (Actually, it's Acadian slang). Shania, like the rest of us, nodded politely and shrugged. Whatever you say, Martha.

And your army of chefs took the blame for it when you turned around and asked them if they had used Shania's gravy recipe. Actually, your kitchen screwed up on the oven-baked potato thing too.

So this is Martha Unscripted.

The Big Girl tells the Little Girl what to do and how to do it while the Little Girl is politely trying to tell the Big Girl that it's all wrong. The Big Girl blames the Army; and the product gets thrown out. The Big Girl always wins, but may wonder occasionally why she gets a cool reception when she comes to visit the Little Girl.

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Poutine isn't really a Canadian comfort food, it's more of a high cholesterol, heart attack, exceptionally fattening snack developed in a province of heavy smokers.

It goes like this:

Take a plate of deep-fried french fries; pile them high, add cheese curds and smother with gravy. The ehat from the fries and gravy will melt the cheese.

Serve with cold beer.

Don't plan on moving for the next half hour.