Look Ma! I'm an Artist and I'm Pissing the Real Ones off!

"So you're an artist? My aunt's an artist."

Isn't that lovely! My aunt knits. She's made as many sweaters as Picasso did paintings. Do I look like your aunt? Is your aunt in my art history books? Does your aunt frame her stuff to match the couch?

"So you're an artist? I don't have any talent, but my daughter gets hers from her grandmother."

Hi honey, now that you're 21, I have a little present for you. Here's a box of talent. Be careful with it, and don't spoil it by working with it. The only reason I skipped your mother was because she isn't my favourite daughter. But you're the only grandkid who's not the best in the rep league, so I thought you could use this.

"I'm a self-taught self-representing artist and you can buy my stuff on Ebay and Picturetrail. My work is original; made by me. And copyrighted too. There are hundreds more to come. Please send comments."

This one I did get in an email this morning, and this woman has balls. My grade 2's are capable of the same work, with the bonus charm of innocence.

Send comments? I thought about it, but I'm not THAT cruel...how do you tell someone that their work is, well, uhm...somewhat lacking in crafstmanship and expertise? when they've already made $45 selling 20 of them? I'm pretty sure the "send comments" was intended to be "send praise".

And you know, I wasn't aware that the word "original" meant "made by me". What am I buying - fake artwork? There ARE words for fake artwork: "copy, print, reproduction, poster, imposter, fraudulent" to name a few.

Copyright on top of it all! Just in case someone wants to steal chubby, clumsily drawn hands...you're going to put me under the moral compunction of respecting your copyright...and up to a $150,000 (US) fine, not including lawyer's fees.

It's a dicey issue, the intellectual property one. Might I suggest a Crash Course in Copyright?

I promise you, my dear, I won't steal your "abstract" marker work. Pinky swear.

"I'm just not good at this artsy-fartsy stuff"

Would you like it if I rhymed YOUR occupation with a body function?? Chances are good that I can't (but don't try me); but think about what you're saying: You don't understand art. That is far kinder, far more honest, and doesn't make you look stupid. Saying "artsy-fartsy" on the other hand, not only makes you look stupid, but thoughtless as well.

I don't have a problem saying that I don't understand nuclear physics; set-top boxes and zero-based budgeting. I woould never dream of greeting an accountant or an economist with a remark about a lack of personality. So why do you greet me with bowel-duty remarks?


"So, you're an artist. I do crafts too"

Popsicle stick birdcages immediately leaps to mind. And you know, I've seen some beautiful ones. Never had the patience to get past half-a-dozen glued before it fell apart.


"When you said you were an artist, I kind thought to myself - uh huh - right - but them when I saw your stuff....WOW! I don't like your subject matter, though."

Omigod! My new best friend. This one's a SMART cookie, thinking for herself like that. She can tell the difference between technique and content. Too bad we're both at the end of the day and rushing to our respective homes...