It seems like so long ago

I've been staring at a blank piece of paper all morning. Dad wants me to write a eulogy.

(I just noticed that it's not "an eulogy")

I searched the net for "grief" a little bit, and Google's first hits were all

"Buy my book on grieving"

Numb is normal, I read. Maybe I can stay this way, because the "next" steps of insecurity, anger and depression... "and it takes far longer than you want it to."

I am afraid of myself.

"Bewilderment" is a beautiful word, don't you think?

I can't concentrate - maybe that's what's making it so difficult to do anything at all. Dad just called - he can cry and he has people in and around and he's busy.

An email from someone who said: This is my standard note of condolence. I'll send you my self-centred email later.

The nurse who came into our cubicle to see if the bed was free yet.

The health "care" system: She's been badly in need of surgery for more than 6 months; the coroner's report says blood poisoning probably caused the heart attack - I have half a mind to write to my MP because it's the Federal government that killed MY mother. I should have started screaming a long time ago, but that's when people were telling me not to worry.

Well, I'm not worried any more. My head hurts.